My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
