my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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