This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
