Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
