Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
