JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
