God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
