The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
