Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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