You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
