I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
