Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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