just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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