I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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