im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So. Much. Porn.
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