Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
