The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
