seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
