I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
