i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
