I could have mohawked her pubes.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
