goodnight i made you a song goodbye
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
