that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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