i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
