just tell him i said nine months
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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