True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
