Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
