You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
