My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
