Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
