I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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