he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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