i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
