I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
