at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
