I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
This baby is an asshole
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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