That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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