anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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