You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
