Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
