you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
