Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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