You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
