positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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