i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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