Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
