9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
