There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
