New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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