Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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