i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
